The Wildflowers

January and February are hard for me every year. This year there is also a pandemic. If you’ve read my very first post, you have been introduced to the fact that I have dealt with depression and anxiety (D + A) for most of my life- really since I can remember. Being crippled into a frozen existence is no stranger to me. In fact, it has been a shadow for much of my life. I had many moments in my 20s and early 30s before having children where I wondered how I would ever be able to take care of a child, let alone two, when depression and anxiety could grab hold of me tightly at any time. I’m going to be incredibly vulnerable here and put my heart and soul on full display because I do not write this for my own personal journal- I am here to have a community of other parents and people and if this resonates with you and can at ALL help you, then that is why I write. There is no good in sugar-coating depression. In an age where so many people appear to have perfect virtual lives, I believe in the power of true soul bearing- for the sake of reality, and for the sake of connection.

Let me be clear- I have lived a very happy life. I have lived a life of so many blessings- education, travel, a loving family, amazing friends, adventure, a successful career, deep love + a happy marriage, and now two perfect daughters. But behind the scenes I have struggled through D + A.

I never tried to purposely hide it because I was ashamed, but I suppose I hid it in the way that life goes on. You still wake up…chase your dreams, carry on. Try to be “normal”. But I started being more open about it as I got older. Maybe because I started to get a handle on it, maybe because I realized how many other people deal with this behind the scenes, maybe with age brings wisdom and openness- who knows. But more importantly, I started truly taking charge of it- or gaining control over it in the last few years. Reading, learning, seeking. Gaining tools, getting better at knowing how to not only deal with it, but how to get through it and better yet, how to prevent episodes entirely.

Motherhood was a huge part of this. Motherhood has healed me in so, so many ways. When you become a mother, your heart now lives outside of you. Your heart is just out there walking around in someone else’s body. It’s a cliche thing to hear, but your life is truly not only about you ever again. Your heart somehow recognizes that it doesn’t have the time to be depressed or anxiety-ridden all the time. It has the most important responsibility of all of life- to raise a soul. So you are focused on that as you should be. Motherhood also gave me confidence, calm, strength, a sense of belonging, a sense of identity and purpose like I had never felt before and it brought so much happiness. Depression and anxiety shrunk in the light of these beautiful things. And thank God.

In a very practical sense, motherhood leaves you with no room or time to be depressed. You’re taking care of someone else, you’re on the go, you’re cleaning, you’re full-time care-taking all day and sometimes night. When would you have the time to be these things? I found this to be very accurate for me. Too much to focus on other than depression + anxiety. And again, thank God for that.

But that doesn’t mean that if you have dealt with these things your entire life that they magically disappear when you have a baby. Or maybe they have introduced themselves to you only since becoming a mother. And when they do come up- I have found this to be one of the hardest parts of being a mom- you just want to have the time to process and feel and you don’t have the space for it. Your feelings just have to fester under the surface while you have to carry on making lunch, giving baths and giving hugs. And that’s the thing about depression- it WANTS you to lean into it. It tells you that it’s more comfortable there.

And when you’re frozen with anxiety, you’re….well…frozen. Your mind knows the ways to get out, but your heart is stuck. It sounds awful and painful and uncomfortable to even think about getting unstuck.

My husband Blake has always been amazing at loving me through these parts of me. He has always supported me, cared deeply, tried to understand and allowed me to walk through it. And he knows just how to help pull me to the other side as best he can. The way he loves me unconditionally will always be the greatest gift I have received.

But this last week, D + A reared their ugly heads back into my life. Honestly when I started this blog, I never really imagined talking about depression and anxiety that much because they really had not been big parts of my life in the last couple of years. And in the vein of complete disclosure, a big part of this is because I chose to get on an SSRI about a year after Charlie was born and I was suffering extreme panic attacks. I didn’t want to turn to medication in that way, but I realized I needed major help and I am so proud of myself for asking for it. It has done WONDERS for me and I am truly so grateful for how much it has helped me. That is really a whole other conversation- but just know that if you need real help beyond some self-care tools, there is no shame (in fact, strength) in doing what you need to do to be healthy in my book. But here we are. It’s January. It’s cold. It’s dreary. There is world unrest. The holidays are over. Oh yea, there’s a pandemic and being home-bound and only home-bound is the new norm. SSRIs are not magic pills. Mine has helped me so much, but sometimes it’s not enough.

Last week I was a shell of myself. It was like I was in a spell of being a zombie. I was tired and anxious. I felt like there was no hope, but perhaps most jarring was the fact that I had little to no interest in living out my day-to-day responsibilities of being a mom. I still did them because I had no choice. But I didn’t want to make breakfast. I didn’t want to read a story. I didn’t want to play. And let me go back to the tired thing….I was painfully, painfully tired. Charlie went to school for the first day after the break last Tuesday and when Tessa took a nap, I slept. Because I was tired and because I didn’t feel like doing anything else. Wednesday was the same. And I have never once chosen to lay down and sleep since they have been at school or Parent’s Day Out because I am usually so ready and motivated to get things done and take advantage of that time. Not last week. Last week I wanted nothing to do with that. I wanted to sleep. I went to bed around 8:30 all last week because I just wanted the day to be over. Please do not read this as I did take care of my kids, because I did. It was just hard for me last week, while it is usually not.

Needless to say, this was scary for me. Have I had my hard moments during this pandemic? UM YES. LOTS. But not an entire week of really, really not feeling myself. I am happy to say that as I write this, I am fully out of the episode. But I had to CLAW my way back to the light. And I wanted to share with you several things that helped me get there. This is not just for moms or dads- this is for anyone.

1. Tell others. Ask for help. I am so, so grateful to have a community of other moms and amazing friends. Although it is sometimes hard for me to ask for emotional help, I did. I asked for prayers. I was open. I was honest about how bad I was struggling. It was extremely comforting to know that my friends were there and understood. And that I didn’t feel like I was going through this in the dark and alone. Shining the light on the situation and raising my hand to be seen helped. If you do not have this community- and I’m serious about this, email me. I’ll be that for you.
2. Rely on partner help. I realize not everyone may have a partner or family help while parenting, so perhaps consider a neighbor or friend. But Blake took over parenting duties as soon as he got home from work last week so I could breathe and have a moment of quiet. I let him help in this way so I could help myself. Don’t be scared to ask for help so you can have some space.
3. Be honest with your kids. My daughters are three and one so I don’t mean I was telling them exactly what I was going through. But it means I did say, “Honey, I don’t think I can play another game right now. I’m having a hard day and need a break.”
4. Movement. I have been doing Pilates for almost 5 years now and it has become therapy for me in so many ways. Last week I realized it had been a while since I had done it for whatever reason- holidays, busy being a mom, fill in the blank. And I have a reformer at home but I had no motivation to work out at home. On Friday I signed up for a class at my usual studio because they have a huge garage door that they open so there is all sorts of fresh air. And we wear masks and there are only a couple of other people there at a time. 6:30am class in 30 degree weather- trust me, I wanted to cancel that morning but I made myself go. On Sunday, I also did a virtual heart-centered yoga class with a local studio here in Nashville. Both of these things helped TREMENDOUSLY. Movement is HUGE.
5. Get out of the house if you can. Get in some fresh air. Get in the sun. I was sitting on the couch on Saturday and the sun was shining in the EXACT spot I was sitting (okay, God, I see you)…the sunshine has been hard to come by these days so I gladly soaked it in for about 30 minutes. Vitamin D did wonders.
6. Meditate. Meditation is a big, big part of my life but when you’re depressed, you don’t always want to help yourself. In fact, I didn’t want to meditate at all. To feel anything else sounded scary. So this wasn’t the first thing I turned to last week. But after I had done a couple of the others and was feeling on the mend, I then turned to meditation.
7. Vitamins. One of my sweet friends, who has children the same age, texted me after she knew what I was going through and gave me a list of things that have helped her in the past. Probiotic, magnesium at night, CBD, vitamin D, beef liver capsules and fish oil. She also mentioned a sun lamp and because I tend to have seasonal depression I ordered one right away- I’m excited to try. I went out this past weekend and got a good probiotic and magnesium because I was missing those from her list and I am willing to try anything to remain in a happy place. But take care of your body. Take your vitamins, hydrate and give your body nutritious foods.

I hope this list helps you. Please know that it is not an exhaustive list in any way- just some things that help me. Above all, if you are going through depression, as a parent or not, please know that you are NOT alone. These things are real for many of us, but there is hope. And please know that you have a friend in me. Sending much love.