Archives for October 2020

Ahhh these are my babes. The reason this whole thing exists. And really my whole life and heart. I’m sure like any parent, I could post a thousand pictures here- of them sleeping, eating, playing, as newborns, in the bath, in the car. But I’ll spare you- because I’m also sure I’m the only one who thinks that’s interesting. So I’ll just share a few current moments.

These two little girls are my sun, my moon, my stars, my heartbeat. I always knew I wanted to be a mom, but I didn’t understand just how complete they would make me until they were here, in my arms. They have both truly healed me so deeply- that I did not expect. This is a tad early for such raw information about me here, but here goes…anxiety and depression have been a part of my being and life since I can remember. They have ruled my life at times, freezing my ability to be the soul I am inside. There is a moment so vivid in my memory before even trying to get pregnant- I was having a deeply anxious day when my husband came home to find me crying. I just did not know how I was ever going to be able to have children and successfully take care of them when I can have days where I’m so frozen. A person incredibly dear to me recently told me she was on the fence about having children one day because of her same issues. And man! What a powerful moment this was for me…because in that moment I flashed back to that moment with Blake, sobbing with a broken heart. And I realized how deeply I had been healed by having children. I gave this person my understanding and responded by saying that I had felt that way once too but that becoming a mother was the most beautiful and healing thing I could have done for myself. I am still here, in all my glory. But I am now here, on this Earth, for two other little souls. And my demons, while they still lurk, don’t have space and room in my life. My wild love for my daughters is too big for anything else to exist.

And that brings us to my girls. Charlie. Tessa. My babes!

Meet Charlie- this girl. Charlie bunny. Charlie girl. Bunny boo. Boo Boo. As I write this, she is 3.5. She is me. I am her. She made me a mama. She introduced me to a whole new level of living and loving. A few moments after she was born, Blake had her wrapped up, holding her for the first time. I was repeating, “Charlie, we did it!” after quite a grueling birth. He held her up by my face and she licked my cheek. That was it- total goner. Her full name is Charleston Liv. Charleston is where Blake and I honeymooned and it’s one of our favorite places on the planet. Charlie was always our girl name, we didn’t even talk about it when we found out we were having a girl. Charlie it was, and Charlie she so is. I had a dream many, many years ago of a little curly haired girl in a red dress running up to me and Blake, hugging us as we twirled around. My little love, saying hi to me in my dreams all those years ago, knowing I was meant to be her mama some day.

She is, perhaps at first glance to a stranger, quiet and shy. But oh her little soul lives so brightly. Animal lover, nature explorer, artist, dancer. She is goofy and silly and truly has me cracking up all day. We have been connected like two soul buds since she made her debut on this Earth. As an infant, she would sob if I even so much as stubbed a toe. She’s always been incredibly inquisitive, intuitively kind and caring. Although cautious in many ways, there is an adventurer in there and she’s the kid that will ask to try the beet I’m cooking, always wanting to try new experiences. She’ll also fix the corner of a rug if it’s not just right- which is a little terrifying to see yourself so oddly reflected in a little being. She has always appreciated the beauty of life, excitedly pointing out the sun and moon shining. She’ll dance in the car, she loves a good beat and the girl lives on fruit. Road trip warrior. Iced coffee and tea lover (no really). Man, has she taught me to slow the heck down and liiiiive. Our picnics, our tea dates, our library story times, our adventures have allowed me to look at this beautiful life and girl right in front of me and say life is now. It’s now. It’s these moments that make a beautiful, collective life lived. Now I’ll say, “Charlie..you my special girl??” And every time she’ll reply back, “You’re my special girl, mama.”

And just when you think your heart couldn’t POSSIBLY get any bigger…like, where will the love for a second child fit in here?? A second little soul comes to make you a mama again. And your heart, in an instant, says, “Come on! I’ve got room! It’s beautiful in here!” Meet Tessa. Ah, my Tessa girl. My Tessy bug. Buggy. Buggy bugs. Tessa Rae. This girl, she is happiness and joy in human form. How fascinating it is to have two different humans you’ve created, that are both blends of you and your husband. So similar, yet so different. She’ll be one in exactly two weeks. In the hospital after having her, I remember staring at her, getting lost in her face. To me she has the face of this little angel. When God created her, he said, “This soul is going to be how I reflect joy back to all who know her.” Her smile is the cutest thing I have ever seen. If you even so much as GLANCE in her direction, she lights up with a smile. And she’s just the happiest little thing. Even as a baby, she just loves life. She squeals with excitement as you walk out her room and down the stairs after sleeps because she just.can’t.wait.to.see.what’s.going.to.happen. Man, it’s cute. And contagious. I’ve often described her as having FOMO worse than any one I’ve known. She has to be a part of it all, doesn’t want to miss any life-giving moments. She’ll turn her body sideways to peek around the corner to see what’s going on in the other room. She also dances the second a song comes on and we have had many a dance party with the four of us already. She ADORES her sister. And she makes us all happier, just to know her, just to be in a little of the brightness of her light. Not that I want to want life to hurry up at ALL- seriously, please someone, invent something that makes children stop growing up- but I can’t WAIT to see how her personality and soul develop.

Blake knew that he was meant to be a daddy of only girls. It makes so much sense for us. I find it an honor to raise girls. To empower them, to teach them their beauty. Guide them to be strong, soft, kind, humble, confident, world-changers. And I couldn’t be more grateful for their existence and for the love and depth they have given to my life. They’re my girls. And oh my god, do I love them wildly.